- No Title -

This post isn't given a title as it shouldn't even exist. A piece of My Secret, huh? Well, I don't know... I guess this is where I have to let out some of my feelings, my heart's pressure and save it in the form of words here, as long as this thing lasts. It's so true that a man will be stressed for two things in life, Money or Lady. I still remember that I've once said naively during I was small, "I won't have a girl in future" and my Mum replied, "Aiya, now you say like that but you can't tell in future one"


Part1 (2005-2010)
Geez.. It's indeed I really can't tell this kinda thing. Surprisingly I had my first feeling since I'm in Form1. It's my first sight I guess, I don't know and I don't care. I don't even know Her but I find Her looks familiar, feel like a nearby neighbour. Knew Her in Form 2 same tuition but different class. One day, don't know why the teacher announced that she likes a guy called Wilson, and I was like... When I start to ride a bicycle, I cycle around my housing area and found another field where people plays football. It was so joyful when I found out Her house is just around there. Since then, I spent time playing football there. Well, it's time to come to Form3 and we went through PMR together with others. Yeah, I got 5As and I went to Her house in the evening and ask about Hers. She got 5As too if I'm not mistaken as I really forgot about this. Then, that's a very brave action of me to ask for Her phone number. Man, first time asking girl's phone number and I felt awkward. Glad she gave Me and I went home happily =.=" But, wait a minute...016, it's Digi but my new number is Maxis! So, from here guess you should know why I've owned another number, 016. At the same time I do feel she's already having a boyfriend, but I don't dare to ask, not that I shy to ask..it's that I can't accept the truth. So, I just maintain this relationship, being chatmates already more than enough to Me. This went till the time we set for SPM. Yes, I learnt she already having boyfriend and I also knew, it'll be all over soon. So, our last meeting would be the tuition farewell party after getting the SPM results. That's it between Her and Me...


Part2 (2010-2011)
After SPM thingy, decided to enter Form6 and this time I have set up my mind to be neutral in relationship. I'm sure to keep this well but things slightly went out of the way. There's sensitive cases started in the library where I'm carrying my duty. Did 'she' wanna chase me? C'mon, 'she' was having a bf alright, what's wrong with her? Hm.. what can I do other than act accordingly? I don't care. And that's it for us too. Gosh, she acts cool to me now, sorry.
Then not long enough there comes another one, and this time involved myself in. Anyway, I finally had my mind clear and I confirmed it's just a puppy love. Both of us ended this indirectly but we're still keeping our friendship and she already has her another one shortly which summed up to be a pretty good ending for us. Well, these library thingy not mainly considered part of this alright.

What I wanna start here is the moment that You started to join my class, Lss2 last year. I remember the first time I talk to You is by calling You 'lenglui' haha. And I'm so lucky to sit beside You after the sitting position arranging. Then I don't know why, during the ticket selling day, I used my handphone and automatically I searched for your name in 0.Facebook and added you as friend. Upon you approving me, I still remember the first thing I said to You on Facebook which is, "Ponteng scul go on9 la". Well, pretty funny eh..haha. Then, I even found your handphone number from your facebook info. Nice number, huh? Since then, I don't know why I keep on checking and stalking your profile like everyday. But I'm sure I'm still on my neutral state all the time throughout the lower six and so on, moreover I knew You're already in a relationship at that time. That's why I didn't really talk much to You. But once I got rumor about your breaking up nearly at the end of the year, I started to have caring feeling towards You, not that I wanna take advantage at that time but it just come naturally, I make it clear here!

Here it comes 2011, upper six life and everything was still neutral at the moment. Surprisingly, both of us manage to sit together again this time new arrangement. LOL. And until one day, sadly I forgot when and even who started first, we started to SMS each other. Hm...from friendly SMS wishing to SMS chatting. Till one day, I realized something's not really right, and I actually hinted this to J. since she's quite close to You. We even chat via Facebook walls. From there, LHT suddenly shocked me as if we have something something like that. Only that time, I started to realize that I also got slightly something towards You. Maybe You don't know this, and we continued like this throughout Muet exam as You need to improve your English. Things get pretty tensed up when I started to care about You more day by day, and I knew I might go out of my neutral state this time. We still were friends. But one day, because of your misunderstanding Facebook status post, I confessed of having a crush to You, man.. I wonder why I did that. You told me that your ex has some similarities to me like my name, and birthday. From there, I thought You might has just transposed your ex feeling to me, it's not a real feeling I think, but then I don't care.

After that, we even go deeper until we end up becoming ambiguous as You said. Both of us worried about our second time too as well as our unknown feeling and future. As we were getting closer day by day, one day You've scared me saying that You wanna stop this unknown relationship and you wanna focus on study. That was my first time crying for You and emo for the whole week. Then I made a statement asking You to continue like that but have a limitation, and we came together again. I talk to You, think of You, dream of You, and I even address You in a closer way. I bet You have your sweet times with me too, I bet that! Still, sometimes we had some awkward situation. You know why it's awkward? It's because both of us still have worries that is repelling. And I always worry about You because I care of You. I jealous of You because I love You. I don't know I can actually affect you on study but I myself built up my will to study since after mid-term exam! I feel like a little nerd that time -o.o-

I try to commit more but abit sad that You didn't really commit much I guess. I'm happy that You fold some heart shapes thingy and gave me. I'm sure to keep it forever, yeah..total 3 of it. But, I somehow realized something's not right when You start to reduce your chatting length recently. I try to maintain this until your birthday which I might bring You something good. Outing failed sadly. After that when I wish You birthday, where's your reply? Your warm reply? Haiz.. Then the next day I gave You a big birthday present after school, You received it happily. But after my sweet talk, You stopped Me, making Me speechless but not knowing what is happening. The next day was the start of trial exam but what I knew is serious problem is happening and I decided to talk to You. Well, your answer is totally out of my expectation. You said you don't want this, don't want Me, reject Me. The sadest part was that You said everything You've given is just a totally misunderstanding. WHAT IS THIS ALL NO FEEL THINGY??? From that time, my phone's crystal case cracks and the sky rains, and that's the time I really cry. Cry and cry and cry..and now is already the second week I cry. I have absolutely no mood to prepare for the exam seriously. All I can feel is, sudden coldness that freeze my whole body, heavy eyes that filled up with tears drop, and the broken heart that once all lived full of You. Sudden constipation, short of breathe, insomnia, no appetite, light-weighed, worried heart, troubled mind, all come and say hello. Sometimes, there's a saying which is true, "It's better to let it broken than trying to pick up the broken pieces which will even hurt you more". Well, I did try to repair our relationship, but everytime You hurt Me.

Haiz... what's wrong with me? Have I did too much and causes our relationship imbalance until You wanna break up with me? Wait, not even a break up because I'm not sure if we actually had started our date, so it's just You wanna give up on me. Why?? I need a proper answer for this. And now You even address Me as "someone" which isn't even in the your friend range. It's now drop to acquaintance and will I drop to stranger range? Am I that bad? Can we start all over again? What are You thinking? Do You still remember about My Request? I won't mark any of my relationship a full stop with the swear of my heart. I'm here always worry about You, pray for You, wait for You, miss You, and Love You.

~ It will be impossible but if You happen to see this mirage piece of secret somehow, please give it a Title. And do understand deeply about this author, Ng Keen Ho ~ to be continued in the future's déjà vu....